Marriage Musts #17 The Couple that Prays together Stays Together

This is a very complex thing for couples to do and yet a very simple thing.  I will not say that Todd and I sit down together and pray with each other everyday.  But we do pray in unity with one another.  The main reason for this is due to our differing schedules and the very different way we pray.  However, when there is a major decision to be made...such as moving or ministry opportunities or new job opportunities...we will fast and pray and consult God as to the next steps we should take.  We ask Him for direction.  Then we come together and see which way the Lord is leading us.  If we do not agree, we go with the direction Todd feels God is leading us.  Afterall, he is the spiritual leader of our home and he will be the one help accountable in the end.  Many times in our marriage we have fasted and prayed concerning a situation.  Sometimes the answer from God was not what we expected, but at least we could face the situation together.

Marriage Musts #16 Priorities - Don't Bring Work Home

Wow! This is a tough one. It seemed to be a lot easier before we were pastors and lived in a parsonage and worked at the school. When we lived in the Dallas Fort Worth area, we had this 30 minute to and hour commute. During this time, as we drove home, we would discuss what happened during the work day...our struggles, frustrations and our triumphs. Sometimes we would go out to eat and continue discussing (especially if it had been a particularly trying day). We would not discuss it at home. Home is sacred. It is your fortress of solitude, a place to escape. It can be difficult to do this in our current line of work, but we try to make sure that we keep things in the proper perspective. Try to keep your home a home of peace.

Marriage Musts #15 - Priorities - Putting Your Spouse Before Other Family Members

This is a tricky one, but it is so necessary. When Todd and I first became married, we immediately moved to Texas. We lived 12 hours away from all of our families. There was no running home to our parents when times were tough. It was a time before cellphones were popular, so calling parents was expensive and was limited to a once a week conversation. We had to depend on each other. Then right before our eleventh wedding anniversary, Lucian was born. Children take a lot of time and attention. Even though blood is thicker than water, it is important that you don't forget the needs of your spouse. Personal needs always come last. Imagine what the world would be like if everyone put the needs of each other before their own. Imagine what a marriage would be like if each spouse put the other first. No one loses anything. This is what Todd and I strive to do. We are not always successful, but we try and that is what is important.

Marriage Musts #14 Priorities - Putting God First

I think one of the most important things that Todd and I have done in our marriage is prioritizing what is important. In our marriage priorities go like this (in this order) God, Spouse, Child, Ministry/Work, Hobbies/Goals. When you put God first in your relationship, then the rest will follow. At our wedding my brother David White sang a song by Matthew Ward titled "Perfect Union". The words still ring true today...

"There's a love that lasts a lifetime;
a love between a man and wife;
A love so strong it goes beyond all reason;
sent from God above;
a perfect union,...
formed within His hands;
hands that formed the earth, the sky and sea;
still forms hearts together; forming them in three-part harmony;
Though the winds blow and the storms of life set in;
there's a captain who can calm the raging winds;
a miracle just waiting to begin"

There have been many times when the "storms of life" have seemed like they were going to over take us, but having a solid faith in God and praying together, He was able to bring us through it. Marriage is hard. I can't imagine going through it without God being the center of it.

Marriage Musts #13 - No Secrets!

No Secrets! There should never be any secrets between you and your spouse (with the exception of birthday, anniversary and Christmas presents/parties) Secrets breed suspicion, distrust and discord. When you are married you become one flesh. As one flesh you share everything. In our marriage, we both have access to each other's phones, social network passwords, blogs, etc. There are no secrets and it works great for us. When you are open and honest with each other and practice transparency, there are no surprises which will hurt the other person. In sharing everything there becomes a sense of unexpected freedom instead of being in bondage to the secrets.

Marriage Musts #12 - Never Say Never

NEVER say never, or always, when fighting (arguing or discussing). For example. . ."you never" or "you always". These are not true statements and all they do is put the other person on the defensive. This kind of goes along with the validation post I made a few days ago. Accusatory tones cause walls of defensiveness and the spirit of offense to enter the relationship. Once someone becomes defensive, then they move to attack back. It is a vicious cycle.

Marriage Musts #11 - Humor

Humor in the stressful times - When you lock you and your spouse and child out of the house even though you have a guest in the house (who is sleeping) and the keys are inside; and when you lose the internet wi-fi password, remember that patience is a virtue. That everything you have read in my last 10 posts should apply at this moment. Remember that any little issue COU...LD become a large issue...don't make a mountain out of a mole-hill and remember that all these little mishaps become adventures and then become stories which you may share and laugh at later. Yes, this happened today. We kept it light and laughed at each other even when things started getting a little stressed. Remember little things can turn into bigger things, but those things will make amazing funny memories later on.

Marriage Musts #10 - Biggest Fan

 Be your spouse's biggest fan. Cheer on their accomplishments, brag about them to others, encourage them in all aspects of their life. When troubles come, and they will, be there to root them on to victory. Life is like a cross country race (although I am not a runner) and you will hit paths that are rocky and some that are messy and there are times when you will feel like quitting. But, if you have someone there cheering you on toward the finish line, the pain and suffering, the hardships and trials seem to make the reward of finishing the race seem all the more worth while. So, cheer on your spouse and they will return the accolades!

Marriage Musts #9 - Validation

Validate one another. We have found that communication requires validation. When we are discussing something and a miscommunication starts, it is important to validate what the other person is thinking or feeling. Repeat back what they said and ask questions. "Is this what you meant by this?" Instead of jumping to conclusions or taking something that was said and running with it. . .using it as fuel to the fire, make sure you understand what was said or implied. Sometimes it is the way a statement was made or understood that can cause conflict. By validating what the other is saying, conflict might just be averted.

Marriage Musts #8 - Divorce is NOT an option

Divorce has never been an option. When Todd and I started considering marriage we discussed that if we were going to seriously consider marriage, that divorce would never be an option. It would never be brought up in discussion or as a threat. Whatever circumstance we encountered, we decided that we would work it out. Anything worth having is worth waiting for and worth fighting for. We believed going into our marriage that we would never do anything to each other that would injure or hurt the other person. Our job, now that we are one flesh, is to encourage, lift up, and build each other up, no matter what problem we encountered.

Marriage Musts #7 - Have Fun

Have fun! Don't forget to laugh. Life is too short not to enjoy it. Laugh with each other. Don't take everything so seriously. When times get tough enjoy one another's presence. Laughter is the best medicine and will help you get through the tough times.

Marriage Musts #6 - Speak their language

Learn your spouse's love language. How do they feel loved? How do they show love? How do you feel loved? How do you show love? Knowing this will help you better understand your spouse and will help you better understand yourself. When you learn to speak each other's love language, neither one of you will be left wanting.

Marriage Musts #5 - Be Best Friends

Be each others' best friend. Always confide in your spouse. I have friends of the opposite sex, but they don't know my inner most thoughts and feelings. My heart and its contents belong to my spouse. When I have an issue with my spouse, he hears it from me. I confide in him and he in me. We know each others' passwords, have access to each others' accounts. We have no... reason to hide anything from each other. There are not secrets. (Except for the contents of Christmas or other holiday presents ;)) Confiding in friends of the opposite sex can cause so many issues and could lead to an emotional affair. Give your spouse a chance to be your shoulder to cry on, the ear to listen and the sounding board to bounce ideas off. You are there to lift each other up and encourage each other. Todd and I are best friends and there is no one I would rather confide in. . .even if it is about him

Marriage Musts #4 - COmmunication

I think many times couples think that communication means talking at each other. True communication also includes listening and sometimes stopping the mental conversations that go on in our minds. When "comments" or "arguments" start to form in your head, try to stop yourself from feeding those thoughts or acting out on them. Sometimes these thoughts will ...lead to private mental "conversations" with yourself which will "work" you up into a frenzy and if fed will turn into offense. Remember not to attack the one you love based on these private "conversations" Remember that your spouse is not privy to what goes on in your mind. Offense is the bait in the trap and if you give in, you will be the one in bondage to it.

Marriage Musts #3 - Not the Enemy

So the third thing that Todd and I have done that has kept us married for 19 years is another saying by a dear friend Katherine Courtney Swanson. When having a disagreement always remember to let the other person know that "you are not the enemy" You are both in circumstances together. Neither is the other's enemy. Work together to defeat THE enemy. You are always stronger united than divided!

Marriage Musts - Day 2 - Give In

A wise man told us once. .. He who gives in first wins. Todd and I live this philosophy. When we have an argument we try to remember this. The only true winner in an argument is the who concedes. Arguing just wears you out. ..it's exhausting. :)

Marriage Musts #1 - Embrace each other's hobbies

I decided that I would share 25 things that have made my marriage a success.  Here is the first: Embrace each others hobbies. ..since being married I have learned to love comics, play video games and watch science fiction.  Being able to share in my spouses hobbies and interests have helped me understand him and gives us something to do together.  He also has watched foreign films with subtitles and musicals with me.  Together we have expanded our interests and grown closer as a couple.