Marriage Musts #17 The Couple that Prays together Stays Together

This is a very complex thing for couples to do and yet a very simple thing.  I will not say that Todd and I sit down together and pray with each other everyday.  But we do pray in unity with one another.  The main reason for this is due to our differing schedules and the very different way we pray.  However, when there is a major decision to be made...such as moving or ministry opportunities or new job opportunities...we will fast and pray and consult God as to the next steps we should take.  We ask Him for direction.  Then we come together and see which way the Lord is leading us.  If we do not agree, we go with the direction Todd feels God is leading us.  Afterall, he is the spiritual leader of our home and he will be the one help accountable in the end.  Many times in our marriage we have fasted and prayed concerning a situation.  Sometimes the answer from God was not what we expected, but at least we could face the situation together.

Marriage Musts #16 Priorities - Don't Bring Work Home

Wow! This is a tough one. It seemed to be a lot easier before we were pastors and lived in a parsonage and worked at the school. When we lived in the Dallas Fort Worth area, we had this 30 minute to and hour commute. During this time, as we drove home, we would discuss what happened during the work day...our struggles, frustrations and our triumphs. Sometimes we would go out to eat and continue discussing (especially if it had been a particularly trying day). We would not discuss it at home. Home is sacred. It is your fortress of solitude, a place to escape. It can be difficult to do this in our current line of work, but we try to make sure that we keep things in the proper perspective. Try to keep your home a home of peace.

Marriage Musts #15 - Priorities - Putting Your Spouse Before Other Family Members

This is a tricky one, but it is so necessary. When Todd and I first became married, we immediately moved to Texas. We lived 12 hours away from all of our families. There was no running home to our parents when times were tough. It was a time before cellphones were popular, so calling parents was expensive and was limited to a once a week conversation. We had to depend on each other. Then right before our eleventh wedding anniversary, Lucian was born. Children take a lot of time and attention. Even though blood is thicker than water, it is important that you don't forget the needs of your spouse. Personal needs always come last. Imagine what the world would be like if everyone put the needs of each other before their own. Imagine what a marriage would be like if each spouse put the other first. No one loses anything. This is what Todd and I strive to do. We are not always successful, but we try and that is what is important.

Marriage Musts #14 Priorities - Putting God First

I think one of the most important things that Todd and I have done in our marriage is prioritizing what is important. In our marriage priorities go like this (in this order) God, Spouse, Child, Ministry/Work, Hobbies/Goals. When you put God first in your relationship, then the rest will follow. At our wedding my brother David White sang a song by Matthew Ward titled "Perfect Union". The words still ring true today...

"There's a love that lasts a lifetime;
a love between a man and wife;
A love so strong it goes beyond all reason;
sent from God above;
a perfect union,...
formed within His hands;
hands that formed the earth, the sky and sea;
still forms hearts together; forming them in three-part harmony;
Though the winds blow and the storms of life set in;
there's a captain who can calm the raging winds;
a miracle just waiting to begin"

There have been many times when the "storms of life" have seemed like they were going to over take us, but having a solid faith in God and praying together, He was able to bring us through it. Marriage is hard. I can't imagine going through it without God being the center of it.

Marriage Musts #13 - No Secrets!

No Secrets! There should never be any secrets between you and your spouse (with the exception of birthday, anniversary and Christmas presents/parties) Secrets breed suspicion, distrust and discord. When you are married you become one flesh. As one flesh you share everything. In our marriage, we both have access to each other's phones, social network passwords, blogs, etc. There are no secrets and it works great for us. When you are open and honest with each other and practice transparency, there are no surprises which will hurt the other person. In sharing everything there becomes a sense of unexpected freedom instead of being in bondage to the secrets.

Marriage Musts #12 - Never Say Never

NEVER say never, or always, when fighting (arguing or discussing). For example. . ."you never" or "you always". These are not true statements and all they do is put the other person on the defensive. This kind of goes along with the validation post I made a few days ago. Accusatory tones cause walls of defensiveness and the spirit of offense to enter the relationship. Once someone becomes defensive, then they move to attack back. It is a vicious cycle.

Marriage Musts #11 - Humor

Humor in the stressful times - When you lock you and your spouse and child out of the house even though you have a guest in the house (who is sleeping) and the keys are inside; and when you lose the internet wi-fi password, remember that patience is a virtue. That everything you have read in my last 10 posts should apply at this moment. Remember that any little issue COU...LD become a large issue...don't make a mountain out of a mole-hill and remember that all these little mishaps become adventures and then become stories which you may share and laugh at later. Yes, this happened today. We kept it light and laughed at each other even when things started getting a little stressed. Remember little things can turn into bigger things, but those things will make amazing funny memories later on.

Marriage Musts #10 - Biggest Fan

 Be your spouse's biggest fan. Cheer on their accomplishments, brag about them to others, encourage them in all aspects of their life. When troubles come, and they will, be there to root them on to victory. Life is like a cross country race (although I am not a runner) and you will hit paths that are rocky and some that are messy and there are times when you will feel like quitting. But, if you have someone there cheering you on toward the finish line, the pain and suffering, the hardships and trials seem to make the reward of finishing the race seem all the more worth while. So, cheer on your spouse and they will return the accolades!

Marriage Musts #9 - Validation

Validate one another. We have found that communication requires validation. When we are discussing something and a miscommunication starts, it is important to validate what the other person is thinking or feeling. Repeat back what they said and ask questions. "Is this what you meant by this?" Instead of jumping to conclusions or taking something that was said and running with it. . .using it as fuel to the fire, make sure you understand what was said or implied. Sometimes it is the way a statement was made or understood that can cause conflict. By validating what the other is saying, conflict might just be averted.

Marriage Musts #8 - Divorce is NOT an option

Divorce has never been an option. When Todd and I started considering marriage we discussed that if we were going to seriously consider marriage, that divorce would never be an option. It would never be brought up in discussion or as a threat. Whatever circumstance we encountered, we decided that we would work it out. Anything worth having is worth waiting for and worth fighting for. We believed going into our marriage that we would never do anything to each other that would injure or hurt the other person. Our job, now that we are one flesh, is to encourage, lift up, and build each other up, no matter what problem we encountered.

Marriage Musts #7 - Have Fun

Have fun! Don't forget to laugh. Life is too short not to enjoy it. Laugh with each other. Don't take everything so seriously. When times get tough enjoy one another's presence. Laughter is the best medicine and will help you get through the tough times.

Marriage Musts #6 - Speak their language

Learn your spouse's love language. How do they feel loved? How do they show love? How do you feel loved? How do you show love? Knowing this will help you better understand your spouse and will help you better understand yourself. When you learn to speak each other's love language, neither one of you will be left wanting.

Marriage Musts #5 - Be Best Friends

Be each others' best friend. Always confide in your spouse. I have friends of the opposite sex, but they don't know my inner most thoughts and feelings. My heart and its contents belong to my spouse. When I have an issue with my spouse, he hears it from me. I confide in him and he in me. We know each others' passwords, have access to each others' accounts. We have no... reason to hide anything from each other. There are not secrets. (Except for the contents of Christmas or other holiday presents ;)) Confiding in friends of the opposite sex can cause so many issues and could lead to an emotional affair. Give your spouse a chance to be your shoulder to cry on, the ear to listen and the sounding board to bounce ideas off. You are there to lift each other up and encourage each other. Todd and I are best friends and there is no one I would rather confide in. . .even if it is about him

Marriage Musts #4 - COmmunication

I think many times couples think that communication means talking at each other. True communication also includes listening and sometimes stopping the mental conversations that go on in our minds. When "comments" or "arguments" start to form in your head, try to stop yourself from feeding those thoughts or acting out on them. Sometimes these thoughts will ...lead to private mental "conversations" with yourself which will "work" you up into a frenzy and if fed will turn into offense. Remember not to attack the one you love based on these private "conversations" Remember that your spouse is not privy to what goes on in your mind. Offense is the bait in the trap and if you give in, you will be the one in bondage to it.

Marriage Musts #3 - Not the Enemy

So the third thing that Todd and I have done that has kept us married for 19 years is another saying by a dear friend Katherine Courtney Swanson. When having a disagreement always remember to let the other person know that "you are not the enemy" You are both in circumstances together. Neither is the other's enemy. Work together to defeat THE enemy. You are always stronger united than divided!

Marriage Musts - Day 2 - Give In

A wise man told us once. .. He who gives in first wins. Todd and I live this philosophy. When we have an argument we try to remember this. The only true winner in an argument is the who concedes. Arguing just wears you out. ..it's exhausting. :)

Marriage Musts #1 - Embrace each other's hobbies

I decided that I would share 25 things that have made my marriage a success.  Here is the first: Embrace each others hobbies. ..since being married I have learned to love comics, play video games and watch science fiction.  Being able to share in my spouses hobbies and interests have helped me understand him and gives us something to do together.  He also has watched foreign films with subtitles and musicals with me.  Together we have expanded our interests and grown closer as a couple.

Condemned or Reconstructed?

So it's been almost a year since I have posted anything, but here goes! I was out doing some yard work the other day with Todd and Lucian. As I was pulling up old forgotten flower beds and digging out old stumps that someone trimmed up but left to keep growing under the foundation of the parsonage and removing lava rock from years gone by I really was able to see the house for what it truly is. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that we have a roof over our heads and that our needs are provided, however I saw some interesting things in my "black thumb landscaping endeavor. I reached up to rest my hand on the edge of the front porch and the corner of the porch trim fell off into my hand. Imagine my dismay! Here I was standing in front of a house that has fairly new aluminum siding and looks pretty good on the outside (except for the landscaping and some areas that are in need of touch-up paint) and there on the inside (the hidden place) was rotted wood. Upon further inspection, this isn't the only place where there was wood rot covered up by fancy aluminum siding. And then it struck me, as things typically do. . .This house is like our hearts. So many times we cover ourselves up with fancy things, clothing or masks so that the inside rotten places are hidden. No one sees the pain or the disgusting aspects of our lives. They just see what we want them to see. What would happen if we laid those places bare? Well, in our society today, we would end up probably having "inspectors" shut us down and lock us up and not let anyone come near because we would be "condemned"! Thank God that Jesus came not to condemn the world but to save the world! We can lay ourselves bare before Him, expose our hidden corruption and rottenness and He doesn't slap a "condemned sign on us, He restores and rebuilds! Amen!!

"I Surrender!"... Do I Really Mean It?

I Surrender All, Take My Life... these are a couple of songs we sing at church. You know, "Take my life, Take all of Me, Take everything, It's all for You, Take my dreams, Take all my fears, Take Everything, It's all for You", but what happens when He actually takes you up on the suggestion? What if one morning you wake up and you have no job, no place to live, your dreams have been taken away and all that is left is just you, your family and God, with no clue what is going to happen next? Will you still stand firm and say, "It's all for you, take everything I am" or will you suddenly be angry with God and pout and blame Him for your lack of faith? Trust me this is more challenging than you think. In today's economy with unemployment rates sky high and housing almost impossible to find it's easy to ask God what His motives and plans are. However, we must remember that the Lord gives and takes away; that His ways are higher than our ways and that He promises to never leave us or forsake us. So, my challenge to you is this, when you sing these songs think about what you sing. Do you really surrender everything to Him? Is everything that you do really all for Him? Or are you just caught up in the moment?

Why the Valley is Best

I was reading in Matthew, Mark and Luke the account of the transfiguration of Jesus. Here you have Jesus up on the mountain with his three closest friends and disciples: Peter, James and John. They fall asleep while he has this transformation. They wake up just in time to see Jesus totally transfigured...in clothes "shining whiter than anyone coul bleach them". He's standing there with Moses and Elijah. What an awesome sight! As an American, I can't even imagine who would have had to have been standing there to have any kind of comparison for which I can relate. But Peter, wonderful Peter, responds probably how I would have. "It is a good thing that we are here. Let's build three tents (one for Jesus, one for Elijah and one for Moses)"(who cares about James and John or even Peter himself). And let's never leave this place. Let's stay here and worship!" Jesus tells him that there is work to be done in the valley and that they can not stay there. How many times in our walk with Christ do we want to stay on the mountain and not go back down to the valley. How many times do we come back from a convention, a conference, a prayer service and think, "This is good. It is good to be in the presence of God. I am going to stay here forever. I am never going back to the valley." And God says, "There is work still to be done. It's time to go back to the valley. Back to the people and places that don't care about God or His purpose or plan. Back to people who need a Savior." I don't understand why people always want that mountain top experience over the valley. I've been to the mountains. From a distance, they are breathtaking (and when you are on the mountain top, it's breathtaking in the fact that the air is so thin). But, when you start to get close to the summit, it really isn't so beautiful. The terrain is full of crags and rocks and there really is no life at the very top. No animals, no plants. The valley is lush and green and full of life. The valley is where it is at. Jesus is glad when we want to spend time with Him up on the mountain, but the valley experience is where it is at. It is where we truly grow and produce the crop of His harvest. My prayer is that I can see the Jesus in the valley experiences of life and see the beauty of the valley experience for what it is.